Life with Anxiety
Time to be vulnerably honest here:
Anxiety and depression have been a very real part of my life of late.
Background:
Depression is something that I have dealt with for about 2-3 years now, but after the birth of little man, it significantly increased. I don't think it was technically postpartum depression, but it was at least some form of it. At first, I was stubborn, and it took a lot of convincing from my husband, and several difficult days for me to finally give in to taking an anti-depressant. I'm so glad he didn't give up on trying to get me help, because taking a light medication for this has made a huge difference for me in the past 14 months.
Since being on the medication consistently, I have had far fewer slumps and mood swings, and a more consistent mood overall. It's been a blessing to have that option to help me get through this phase of my life.
Present:
In the past 2-3 months, my depression has suddenly gotten worse – even with still being on medication. This time around, it's been coupled with anxiety as well. The emotional slumps have been more dark and deep than I have previously experienced, and the severe anxiety – well, that's been a whole new, terrifying thing of its own. We have experienced a decent amount of change in the past couple months, and we also have some exciting life changes that we've been praying about for a long time that are about to happen (but fairly major changes). All of these things, combined with my already there depression, the exhaustion (and sometimes loneliness) of motherhood, and doing a lot on my own with mister because of my husband's work schedule have compounded and I think that is the reason that my anxiety and depression have spiked so significantly more recently.
It's hard. Some days it's just freaking awful. Logically, I know everything will be okay and that God is in control of our lives and is working out a plan for us. Logically, I know that my mind is spiraling, and that the darkness is twisting and shaping my reality. But on days like this, it feels like my world is spinning out of control. No matter how hard I try, I hardly have the energy to get off the couch – much less to wrestle my toddler. The tears hit, and at any given point, it feels like they might brim over. On days that it hits, I feel so incapable as a human...a wife...a mom. I feel like I am letting down the people who are most important to me and who rely on me the most. I'm scared of failing...of not being enough...of not making everything work out.
And you know? Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I've been trying to do it all on my own too much...trying to force it all to happen like I think it should. I've been forcing it to “work out,” and you know what? It hasn't worked out very well to do that.
Thankfully, God has brought encouragement to me through small conversations with several people. I've been reminded and challenged that God really does have a plan and purpose in my life and that I need to wait on his timing. It isn't always easy to step back and wait on Him – but it's so much better than trying to force my own timing.
"You are more than your battles. Don't forget that!"
I've also been trying to take more small moments for myself to clear my mind by journaling, reading my devotional or Bible, eating a snack, doing yoga or even simply taking a shower instead of putting it off to try to work through my to-do list. I'm thankful that my husband has been so supportive of this, in spite of his crazy work schedule that leaves him exhausted constantly.
I'm also learning that I have the tendency to try to be “superwoman” and take care of everyone and everything. Perfectionism is a true struggle for me. However, I'm beginning to realize that it's okay to leave some things undone (my husband and toddler don't care if the bed is made or not!). I'm slowly learning to embrace the messy and not be so critical of myself.
I believe that self-care is important as mom – especially as a mom dealing with depression/anxiety. I also believe that perspective is important in getting through these battles, and if you can fight to be more gentle toward yourself and less critical, that can bring healing.
I also think there is a pretty significant stigma that is attached to mental health issues and being medicated for those issues. Sure, medication is not something that should be taken lightly, and it should obviously be taken seriously and with the oversight of a medical professional, but it is not inherently wrong or dangerous to take an anti-depressant if you truly need it. These options are out there in order to help people, and it is truly sad that some people stigmatize and judge others for taking medication for depression, anxiety or other mental illnesses.
None of this is to say that my method is the only method for dealing with depression/anxiety, or that everything is all rainbows and unicorns now (because it's NOT). Each individual has to find what works for them, and even when you find something that works, you're probably still going to have some tough days.
I guess I just wanted to share a little bit of my experience in hopes that someone reading might be encouraged. I don't know what change, or battle (mental or physical) you are facing, but I want to encourage you that God really does have a plan for your life. He really does care for each of us and puts the right people, places and opportunities in front of us at the right times. I want you to know that you are more than your battles – those things you struggle with do not define you. I want you to know that whatever you are facing, there are people around who are willing to support and encourage you when you need it. Help is available. Please don't be afraid to use those resources.
Finally, I want you to know that I think those of us who deal with depression, anxiety or other mental illnesses are freaking courageous. I know you probably don't feel that way, but sometimes courage is simply putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to step forward even when it feels impossible to do so. Just by pushing forward, you have chosen not to give into the illness, and that's pretty amazing.
You are more than your battles. Don't forget that! You are loved and God's got your life in his hands.
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