originally published on my first blog, Dec. 29, 2017
Supermom
/ˈso͞opərˌmäm/
noun
an exemplary or exceptional mother, especially one who successfully manages a home and brings up children while also having a full-time job (Merriam-Webster Online).
I'll be the first to admit that I am anything but a supermom. As a Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), I don't work a full-time job per se, yet, at the same time, my job is so full-time, it never ends. As a SAHM, I spend 99.8913% of my days feeding, changing, chasing, adventuring, playing with and caring for our sweet Little Man. I'm the primary apartment cleaner, decorator, grocery shopper, food cooker, and kitchen and general mess cleaner. I'm a wife too, and with that comes its own set of commitments, relationship work, and involvement (something which I would never trade). On the side, I do contracted freelance creative work, and I now have this blog that I write for and work on. My life is busy, but full. Exhausting, but worthwhile.
But I'm not a supermom, and frankly I like that term less and less.
Maybe it's just me, but, it seems that the term supermom connotes this idea of having it all put together...of being involved in literally every big, impressive, important thing...of committing to everything culture says we should commit to and never saying no. To me, being a supermom means being perfect, doing it all, and being totally successful – brilliant and top tier in the workforce, while at the same time, wiping all the noses, changing all the diapers, playing fun games with your kids and sending them a homemade organic, gluten and dairy free lunch every day, while teaching them how to read Greek, cooking a 5 course meal every night and still looking stunningly gorgeous for your husband at the end of the day....
Okay, perhaps I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea. I feel like this supermom ideal that culture gives us only serves to pressure moms. It gives us unrealistic ideals and says that everyone has to do it the same way. It feeds discontent and creates embarrassment and shame because we don't all live up to this standard.
The pressure is real.
Like I said, I'll be the first to admit that I don't have it all together. We moved around 3 months ago, and even though we still haven't accumulated tons of stuff in our first couple years of marriage, our apartment has multiple piles of unpacked boxes and is barely decorated yet (oh and we live in an apartment and not our own home yet...that's an entirely different area of cultural/peer pressure!!) I also want to embrace a more gentle parenting style – but some days I still get irritated and act regretfully ugly. Our laundry piles up, and I don't always make fancy dinners. I haven't gotten my hair cut in months because I haven't found the time and I still don't know what my postpartum hair is doing. I snap at my husband when he's just doing his best, and I sometimes get irritated at him when all he wants is to spend some time with me. I'm not a full-time career woman and my standard way of functioning is with tons of coffee and lots of grace, and still some days I truly feel as if I am losing my mind.
This is the life I've chosen. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am at peace with it and find joy in it. I love being a SAHM. I adore my son. I love the adventures we have and I'm so honored to be given the responsibility to raise him. I love my husband, and I'm so thankful that God placed us together to go through life, loving and supporting one another. Yet, I sometimes feel wrong for embracing this lifestyle I live. I feel pressured to be different – to conform to what culture says I should be doing. Even though I know it's right and I'm content and happy with my life, this crazy ideal messes with me, and makes me second guess what I'm doing. Isn't that awful?
I'm saying all of this, because it's real and it needs to be said and I have a feeling most of you mamas out there feel exactly the same way.
Now, I'm not saying that you're wrong if you're a career-driven mom, or a part-time working mom...a work at home mom or anything else. All of us have to evaluate our goals and what we feel called to in life, and for each of us, that looks different. No matter what you've chosen, the pressure to be a perfect supermom effects each of us, every day.
My life as a mom is crazy and imperfect. Sometimes, it looks really rough and it's hard. Sometimes, it flows more smoothly. Each day is different, but what remains the same is that raising my son and taking care of my family is of the greatest importance to me and I am working hard and trying my best. And I'm going to make a guess, and say that's all that any of us are trying to do.
Maybe that is the root of the problem with the “supermom” title. Being a supermom is about having it all together. It's about perfection. It's about the job and titles you have, the things you do, the commitments you make and ultimately about being impressive and successful.
This isn't a realistic ideal, and it's not what we have to live up to in order to be a good mom, wife, or person. We don't have to live in the stress and discontent that pressure creates.
Instead, mamas, let's focus on what is before us. Let's focus on what we have been called to in life. Let's keep getting back up and trying – even on the difficult days. Let's be strong and confident, yet okay with falling-apart when we need to. Let's play and laugh and create and make messes and clean them up and work and do everything knowing that we don't have to be perfect in order to be doing a good job. Let's be okay with making mistakes, and be willing to learn from them and try again. Let's focus on grace, not perfection – on being a good mom, not a supermom.
Cultural ideals should not be our standard. Instead, be you! Embrace the messy, the chaos, the hard and the beautiful parts of this crazy life we live. Be free, dear mama! You're one amazing woman!